Here we go already...

I'm already having tons of doubts about this. My life feels like it is in turmoil. Nothing stays right-side-up or right-side-down. I'm highly stressed, and highly compelled to emotional bingeing at this point. I'm trying to be mindful.. but like I said, I have zero will-power.

I heard a song on the radio today, and it struck me kind of funny. It almost sounded like what a conversation might sounds like with the old inner me and the current me...

Kinda like... There's this skinny, healthy, energitic woman inside of me.. but I've managed to keep her quiet by stuffing chocolate down her throat! :P

But if I could have a conversation with that skinny chick.. it might kind of sound like this:


It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while
Since I first saw you
It's been a while
since i could stand on my own two feet again
and it's been a while
since i could call you
And everything I can't remember is f**ked up as it all may seemed
the consequences that were rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been a while
since i could say that i wasn't addicted and
It's been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and f**ked things up just like i always do
It's been a while
And everything I can't remember is f**ked up as it all may seem
the consequences that were rendered

I've gone and f**ked things up again

Why must i feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

Its been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
and it's been awhile
since i said i'm sorry
It's been a while
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
It's been a while
But everything I can't remember as f**ked up as it always seemed...to be

It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while since i said i'm sorry
(sung by Staind)

My First Step

I contacted a program via email last night called Weigh Down. They called me today on my way home from Akron... and I signed up. There's two orientations and then the program starts on July 27th. It goes for eight weeks. I'm really looking forward to it and I'm really hoping this helps me get started on this badly needed journey.

My last doctor's visit, I weighed in at 296lbs. At 5'9, I can no longer carry my weight well. It shows... and badly. I think I have a BMI of 42, which I believe crawls in under clinically obese.

I used to not feel too bad about myself, but lately I've just felt like an ugly elephant walking around, shaking the earth and jiggling while I walk. That's the most unpleasant feeling in the world.

I don't have much discipline, and no will power at all. This will be a struggle, and I'm hoping I'm ready to take that struggle on. I know for sure my mom will always be there to support me in any way she can. I just hope she is enough support, along with whatever support I find in the program.